I was supposed to post this ages ago but life happened, it's probably really bad since I haven't looked at it since it was first written but enjoy :)
Day 43.
I still miss it. I
miss the journey to the liquor store every night. I miss opening the bottle and
the smell wafting around me. I miss the first taste. It was always sour and
burned but the feeling ignited me. I miss the second and the third and the fourth..
I could go on. I miss how I felt afterwards. So high and free. No cares in the
world. I felt... Happy. Everything seemed better. I hated the mornings after. I
crashed down. The high was gone. I was gone. The world was different. It was so
hazed and blurry. I was out of touch with it. I needed it again and to stop the
dreadful feeling of regret and sadness. But things are better now. I'm finding
myself. The real me. The person I was
before alcohol came in my life and I have never felt so good. It is all new to
me. No beer or vodka even a martini and dear God did I love a martini, could
ever compare. I don't regret my addiction surprisingly because if it wasn't for
my addiction I would never have met some of the best people I currently have in
my life. I would have never realised how badly I was messed up. I maybe would
have stayed in my house all the time. I would have never built up the courage
to face my fears. I'm ready for tomorrow. Wish me luck!
Nicki sighed and
closed her journal. She opened the top draw of her bedside table and placed the
journal and pen inside, locking them both away with her key. She slid her hand
under her pillow and left the key under there. After turning off the light, she
slid down in her bed, pulled the covers to her chest and closed her eyes.
She never was a heavy
sleeper even with the alcohol so when footsteps were heard across the
floorboard outside her room, she woke up. She kept her eyes closed when she
heard him open the door. After her accident, Drake decided to move in with her
to check on her and look after her. His lips pressed against her cheek softly
and lingered for a while which caused her to smile.
"Goodnight"
She whispered and after hearing him reply, she drifted back to dreamland.
Maybe an hour or two
later, Drake woke up with a dry throat and thought a glass of water would cure
it. As he was going to walk past her room, he popped his head is, only to see
her bed empty. Being so protective over her, he searched the apartment for her.
He found her sitting on the couch staring at the space in front of her.
Chuckling, he went to scoop her up to bring her back to bed but halted seeing
something he had feared. Across from her was a wine glass with an uncovered
bottle of red. Seeing the empty glass made his heart race.
"Hey" He
sat next to her and gently shook her snapping her out of her daze.
"I want you to
be completely honest with me, okay?" She could tell by his voice that he
was worried about her. Not knowing what to say, Nicki nodded her head slowly.
He took a deep breath
and spoke again. "Did you have a glass?"
Her eyes immediately
watered and her bottom lip quivered before a tear rolled down her face. Drake
pulled her into his arms and she crawled onto his lap. Her tears wetting his
neck, one hand clutching his shoulder and the other balled up in a fist on his
chest.
"I-I couldn't
sleep and I thought a drink would h-help me but I got it and pour myself a
glass. It was full but I poured it down the drain. And I came back here and put
it on the table, and watched it thinking it would all be forgotten or
something. Then I got angry at myself for succumbing to temptation and I felt
so ashamed. I froze. I don't know what happened to me, why am I so fucked up
Aubs?" Her speech made her cry even more. Drake wanted to say that she was
okay and things would get better but he would be lying to himself and her.
"I want to be
better so bad! I'm so done with it all, it's bullshit!" She stopped and
calmed down. Wiping her face, she sat up. "I read that there is a place
for alcoholics to get better and I call them earlier, they said they have a
place available so I took it. I'm supposed to go on Saturday"
"What?"
"AA is not
helping me anymore. I mean the first few times it was going great but it kept
sneaking back up on me. This isn't the first time. I know when I told you about
it I, we would tell each other everything and I broke it, but
don't be mad at me. Please don't be mad at me"
"I'm not mad,
just"
"Disappointed,
you sound like my mom" She giggled. "As I was saying, I went for a
walk at night. It was about two weeks ago, you were working. I passed this bar,
and I went in. It had a familiarity to it but I didn't know it. So I took a
seat at the bar and took it all in. The atmosphere was amazing, the music was
nice. I must have been sat there for a while because the bartender asked me if
I was okay, I said I was and I went to order but a guy came and ordered for me.
A vodka soda. He got his and we cheered. I lifted the glass to my lips, the
drink barely touched my lips and I was hit with all the flashbacks of the
previous times I've drank. The bad mostly, it's not like there were any good
times. And I slammed it down and ran home like a bitch"
"Remember when I
found out about your addiction" Nicki nodded. "And what did I tell
you?"
"You told me
"I don't know how it started but I want to be there when it
finishes""
"Exactly. Your
journey is always on going, every step will be harder, and you’ll want to run
back to the beginning. But the only one stopping you from getting to the end is
you. This is a constant battle with yourself and your body. Your mind could be
saying 'you don't need that shit anymore' and your body is saying 'Gimme,
gimme, gimme'. You'll make it though"
"I know, I know.
That's why I need the extra help and you have to accept that"
The new two days were
spent packing and preparing herself for what would be coming. Nicki had made
Drake promise not to tell anyone she was going to a centre, everyone thought
she was done with that chapter of her life. Lying was wrong but the truth would
be worse especially for her parents who had a hard time accepting that their
daughter had been battling such issues. Her mental health was improving, that
prolonging sadness and darkness was slowly fading away and she was catching up
with life rather than the other way around.
"Let me at least
drop you off" They were walking down the stairs to the entrance of the
complex.
"No, I told you
I called my uber. Now promise me, you will not try to contact me. I'll be okay,
if anything you're my emergency contact"
"That makes me
feel great, thanks"
"You're
welcome" Drake left go off her suitcase and Nicki wrapped her arms around
his waist (because she couldn't reach his neck). She took in the moment since
she knew it would a long time until she felt the warmth of his body. "I
love you"
"I love you
too" The beep of the waiting cab broke them apart. Nicki grabbed her
suitcase pulling it out the door.
"I'm going to
miss you, midget!"
"I'll let that
slide, for now" The cab driver had noticed she was pulling a suitcase and
got out to put it in the trunk of the car. She gave him a cheesy grin and
thumbs up as the cab pulled off.
"The nurse
said no phone access till I'm settled but I still want to talk to you so they
allowed me to send you videos so hope you like it, you giant- Onika"
Drake shook his head
and slid the DVD into his laptop.
The camera has blurry
then adjusted and her face appeared. "I'm going to look so stupid if this
doesn't even record properly"
She squinted her eyes
in confusion and then did a little jig. "I did it! Hey, Aubrey! I miss
you! This place is so fucking dull, like look at this" She turned the
camera around to show him her temporary bedroom. And she was right, it was
dull. The walls were painted white, the furniture was basic and her bedsheets
were cream with flowers on them.
"The food is
bad, I mean it's not awful so I can't complain that much. It's edible. But other
than that, it's good. I think this time away will help me. They put me down to
stay for a month so far but it's up for discussion. Hold on!" She put the
camera down and she vanished. Rustling was heard in the background and a chair
was put in front of the lense. She came back and sat down on the chair.
"My arm started
hurting aha. But anyways, week 1 went as following. On Monday," He watched her talk about the various
things she had done. She was the same old Nicki. As animated and dramatic as
ever. Her hands moving constantly to express the words that let her mouth.
"Tomorrow's
supposed to be a bit more chill. Denise, she's the supervisor, said I'm
making progress already. Apparently I had a fit yesterday, they said it's
becoming I'm withdrawing. I learned so much about alcohol dependency. Did you
know that some people had to put in hospitals because of it? It becomes so bad
that they need extra help. I thank God I didn't end up like that. I'm lucky, I
guess. I ended up here though"
"I don't know
what else I could tell you. But I should go. See you soon, Aubs!" The
video ended with her boobs in front of the screen. Typical.
The first week was
tough for the both of them. With Nicki no longer there, Drake found no reason
for him to stay there anymore so he started spending nights at home. He
was able to busy himself with work and classes, he went to night school
to get a degree in accounting. The next 6 weeks went by quick, Nicki still sent
a video every week. On the 11th week, he didn't receive a video. It did not
worry him, he knew she was busy. What he did not expect was for to be home when
he finished his shift at the cafe.
"You took long
enough" She walked out the kitchen, clad in a pair of cotton shorts and a
tank. Drake whispered wow to himself. It wasn't until now did he see the
effects the alcohol had taken on her appearance. She always looked so tired and
drained but now looked so refreshed. Her face was makeup free but the natural
glow of her skin and glistening smile was all she needed.
"Come
here!" She jumped into his open arms and flung her arms around his neck as
he spun her around.
"Why did you
tell me they released you? I would have picked you up"
"You were
working, dummy" She said, once the dizziness had gone.
"True. I like
the new do" She had left for the centre with her hair brushing against the
dip in her neck but now it rest below her shoulders.
"I like it. I
feel like I let so much go when the hairdresser cut it, truly the beginning of
a new and happy chapter in my life"
"I couldn't
agree more"
~
She opened her front
door with a smile on her face. It was now day 241. 7 months and 14 days of her
fighting her internal self. Another successful AA meeting and her spirits were
high. She took off her boots at the door and ran up the stairs. She was ready
to throw herself on her bed and take a nap, but two wrapped boxes and a note on
top of it stopped her.
"So I was
thinking, we haven't been out in a while and I want to take you somewhere
fancy. You don't have to dress up if you don't want but I do want you to be
excited because it's going to be the best night of your life. Be ready by 7 -
Aubrey"
"It better live
up to my expectations, Mr Graham" She pulled the bow and lifted the lid.
Inside was beautiful red gown. She held it up in front of her in the mirror
turning side to side admiring how it looked and imaging how it would fit her.
Resting the dress on the bed, she opened the other box to find some nude pumps.
6:45 pm. Nicki was
dressed and ready for the evening. Knowing she would not be back in time to
write her entry at 9 like she had become custom to, she decided to write it
now. It didn't take her very long, she was locking back the draw when Drake's
voice scared her.
"I see you liked
them" Nicki spun around clutching her chest.
"God! Would you
quit it?!"
"I've been
waiting downstairs for you. You took your sweet time so now it's 12 past but
you look great" She strutted over to him and he put his hands on her
waist. "Blue always looks so good on you, especially dark blue"
"Hmm, so why did
you pick this dress?"
"Well your body
is fucking amazing and you should show it off more. Plus I knew this would fit
like a glove and I want to make you feel as beautiful as I know you are, inside
and out"
"Thank you.
Let's head out then, the night is young"
Nicki had been so consumed in her excitement for their meal that she did not
realise the car had stopped. They went to the bowling alley first much to her
despair, she had never been very skilful at any games and for that reason she
put her winning the two games up to pure luck and Drake being nice enough to
let her win. Drake held the door open for her to help her out. She took his
hand and got out closing the door behind her. He also opened the diner
door open for her and she spotted a table semi out of view but not too far away
from the entrance.
"This place is so nice, you sure know how to pick 'em babe"
"You know how I do" He playfully popped his collar and received a
blank stare from his girlfriend.
"Moment ruined" Drake was about to say something back to her but the
waitress came over to their table.
"Hello, my name is Daisy. Are you guys ready to order?"
"Can I have a cheeseburger with fries and a large strawberry
milkshake?"
"I'll have the same as her but swap the milkshake for a coke"
"I'll be back in a few with your drinks" The waitress finished
writing down their orders and walked away.
"I never got to ask you about your meeting, how was it?"
"The usual, there were new members today. They seemed nice, I spoke to two
of them"
"And therapy?" He quickly said thank you to Daisy as she placed their
drinks on the table.
"Repetitive. We talked about you today. Mostly about our relationship and
how you've been my support system. It made me realise how much you mean to me
and I really don't want to lose you"
"You're not going to"
"Good. I was thinking earlier, maybe we should get a pet. Not a dog
though, I'm not ready for that responsibility and I would not like to stand in
pee and shit all day. Cats are out it too"
"Those are the typical house pets though, Onika"
"Well Aubrey, I am not a typical girl am I?"
"I guess. So what pet do you want?"
"I'm the one that's asking you"
"Turtle?"
"Nope"
"Rats?"
"Why would I pay to get a rat when I can find one on the street and take
it home for free? And secondly, who in the right mind would want a pet rat?
Emphasis on rat"
"Okay, no rats. Guinea Pig?"
"Hmm keep that as an option"
"What about a rabbit?"
"That is it. We are getting a pet rabbit"
"Let's hope you don't end up forgetting to fed like that lone fish you won
at that fair. Poor fella only lasted a week"
"We made an agreement that we would not discuss Mr. Fishy's death. It was
a hard time"
"Here are your cheeseburgers and fries, enjoy"
"Oh my" Nicki moaned taking a big bite and chewing. She didn't bother
wiping the sauce from her mouth before she took another bite and dipped a few
chips dipping them in barbecue sauce eating them too. The addition of the
milkshake, put the icing on the cake.
"No one is going to steal it" Within the first five minutes, half of
her burger was gone whilst his remained untouched. "Don't say
anything"
Drake moved on from his fries and picked up his burger and Nicki happily dipped
the rest of her fries in her shake.
"Do they serve chocolate cake? Because that would top it off so
greatly" Drake motioned for her to take another look at the menu which she
did.
"They do! Share a slice with me?"
"Will do" The wait for Drake to finish wasn't that long but it gave
Nicki enough time for her food to settle and make room for more. Neither of
them were expecting the piece of cake to be as big as it was. It looked like
they had cut the cake in half and slapped it on the plate.
"You try it first" The look on his face as he gnawed told her she
would like it and she did. More than liked it.
"No more now, my body feels too heavy"
"I wonder why"
"Fuck you"
"Gl,"
"Don't say it, no matter how much you want because I will bring all my
food back up and let it go on your face"
"Real"
"I'm going to the ladies room, I'll be right back" The five minutes
it took for Nicki to empty her bladder, Drake paid the bill and used the
restroom himself.
"My stomach hurts" The short girl pouted and clutched her stomach.
"We're leaving now, so it's okay" The pout remained on her face the
whole car journey back to their apartment. When they made their relationship
official, they decided that having one place would be better than two. They
managed to find a two bedroom bungalow house for a reasonable price and in an
area that was convenient for them.
She kicked her heels off and brought her knees up to her chest, resting a hand
across her stomach.
"Do you want me to take your dress off for you?" Nicki shook her
head.
"Wipe your makeup off?"
"That would be nice. Wipes are in the cabinet in the bathroom" Drake
returned with the pack of wipes in his hand, he gently rubbed her foundation
and eyeliner off. He too decided to go to bed, he quickly went to brush his
teeth and by the time he came back light snores could be heard.
"And she gets at me for snoring"
-
"I think this one might be last"
"No, what do you mean?"
"It's not that I don't like seeing your pretty face every week but I don't
think you need to see me anymore. From what I've seen these two years is that,
you've improved vastly. You no longer result to liquor for happiness, and
you're no longer suicidal. I'm not going to go as far to say you're no longer
depressed because as we know, it can come back at any time like your alcoholism
but the signs are no longer visible which is spectacular"
"I get that but you make my Tuesdays, what am I going to do for these two
hours from now on?"
"What we discussed. Channel your temptation into something new. You said
you picked up yoga so you can do that instead"
"I guess"
"But I'm going to be here whenever you need me. It could be next week or
another year"
"It's been a great two years"
"Yes it has, remember don't be a stranger okay. Spread your wings"
The young therapist stood up and received a warm hug from his patient.
"Bye, Dr. Matthew"
Nicki fiddled through her bag for her set of keys and locked her phone between
her shoulder and ear. "Hey baby. My session just finished, I'm going to
meet ... and ... at the cafe not too far from here. Have you gone to the store
yet? No it's okay, I'll go before I go home. Call me when you leave the
restaurant. Of course, bye"
With the cafe close by, it did not take long for to get there and find a
parking spot in their car park. When she opened the door, the heat and the
smell of coffee and fresh baked goods flew towards her. She sighed.
She scrolled through
her phone looking for their group chat.
[2:54 - Nicki]: Are
you here yet?
[2:55: Layla] Where?
[2:55: Sophie] That
was today?
[2:56: Nicki] The
cafe idiot and yes
[2:57: Sophie] Damn
:/
[2:57: Sophie] I
forgot, give me 20 minutes.
[2:58: Nicki] 20
minutes???!!
"Oh sorry. Can I
have an espresso and a slice of lemon cake? Actually, chocolate. Maybe not, I
haven't had chocolate cake since that diner date. I'll stick to the lemon"
"Sure?" The
barista laughed.
"I'm sure,
thanks" She took out her purse and paid.
[3:00: Layla] Give me
till 3:30.
[3:01: Layla] Don't
kill me! I got my back blown.
[3:03: Sophie] Did I
ask you for a reason, dirty bitch.
[3:04: Layla] Don't
be jelly because you're not getting any. Ain’t that right, Nic?
[3:04: Sophie] I can
do it all by myself.
[3:05: Nicki] Right
boo! But can you both hurry up? Cold coffee is really not it.
[3:06: Sophie] I'm
out the door!
[3:07: Layla] Getting
dressed. Casual or sexy?
[3:07: Nicki] Just
get here, I really don't care what you're wearing.
[3:08: Layla] True
love <3 span="">
[3:08: Sophie] Fs.
[3:09: Layla] There's
enough love to share babe
[3:11: Sophie] I'm
here! I think
"Thank you"
Nicki smiled and locked her phone. She took a sip of her coffee and looked up
to see a confused Sophie looking at her phone and bumping into people.
"Oi!"
Sophie saw Nicki's head peak over and wave her hand and speed walked over and
hugged her tightly.
"Not,
breath-ing"
"Sorry. I feel
like I don't see you anymore"
"I know,
lovebug. But you can see me for however long you want to tonight"
"I'm taking your
spare room for the night"
"There won't be
any-"
"I'm not stupid.
I know that but how wants to drive the thousands of miles from yours to mine at
2 in the morning?"
Seeing her two
friends deep in their conversation and faced away from her, Layla sneaked over
to them and gripped their cheeks like an Aunt would. "My babies!"
"I see you made
it" Sophie said, rubbing her cheek.
"Yep. Now who's
getting me my drink?"
"Only because I
want another and I'm a good person" Nicki left the two to get their
orders. Layla waited till the shortest of the three was in line then spoke.
"How is she? She
never really speaks about the things that went down and she opens up more to
you. I want to ask but I don't want to trigger her"
"Eh. She's
better, most definitely. Keeping things to herself is her way of coping, don't
worry about it"
"I just care
about her, you know"
"I do too"
Four and a half hours
later, the thriving couple were rushing around their house like maniacs’ making
sure everything was perfect. Nicki worrying about the food and drinks and Drake
doing his best to calm her down.
"Honestly no one
gives a shit about ... . They're coming to see us and our place. This is
about us showing to everyone who doubted us that we're strong and capable"
Drake held her face and kissed her forehead. "I'll finish off down here
and you go have a long shower or bath"
A table full of drinks,
every kind but the obvious, and a range of snacks. Nicki had ordered a big red
velvet cake and cupcakes.
"You
ready?"
"As I'll ever
be" The music was turned up not loud enough to disturb their neighbours
but enough to hear clearly and dance too. Within the first hour, their house
was full of loved ones and all of their spirits are high. Nothing but positive
vibes.
"I'm only going
to say one thing tonight and that is let's give it up for new beginnings"
"New
beginnings!"
